Frustration is the first step toward improvement...It's only when I face frustration and use it to fuel my dedication that I feel myself moving forward.     

John Bingham

                                                        
                                                                                                                     

Frustration- what does it mean in our life and how do we use it?

An important hallmark in your life that is not recognized by those you love or those who opinions you value, not feeling as if I have done enough, losses and thinking that it will not change, situations are stagnated, and in the background a sermon plays, talking about radical change, and the thoughts in my mind, thinking that nothing is that radical or that the change will only be negative.  Forget loaves and fishes, forget miracles just please get me through the nonsense.

Is this human nature or is it just my nature? And it is true that one's internal voice can be softened; still, is this a remarkable accomplishment? Part of this frustration is not knowing what life's scoreboard is projecting. How do I know what the score is? Some form of dissatisfaction seems to reign and I know that this my ruler is not broke. It seems that psychology always has one more lesson that never seems to pan as well as it does in the book or video.

Even in a non-religious sense, I believe that I should have gotten better results. A lot of effort was put into the projects that I endeavored and the bottom line, seems so, so-so.

And adopting a lilies, in the field attitude, that would promise, huge rewards, earthly as well as heavenly seems attached with disappointment.

Others fail to recognize the miracles, or don't even care about them.

The failure of intelligent people to do the right thing and stand up. I have failed and ae not been accepted. Still is non-acceptance the road I should travel? Have there been highlights, "Yes!" I believe that I am supposed to move beyond all these self- imposed limitations.  I believe that we area all meant to go beyond what we are now.

Am I the one that is to connect with others and move the people. And even in very positive situations, still an unending hunger, is present and how to see this present in the here and now as a present? A priest once told a story of being thankful that God didn't send emails. I sat in the back of the church thinking wouldn't that be great?

"Dear Paul: You have done an absolutely fabulous job...." To me that would be super. What no more burning bushes? No more communication in a whisper?

 Have I moved or taught even one? Does anyone realize the things that need to be done? And when I talk solutions, it seems that others fail to realize the answer or just reply in an, "I don't know," fashion. Much easier to play stupid than to really take action.

And what good does that really do?

Restless in a bath of frustration and the drain plug will not come out.  Drowning.

Infused in restlessness and the prior panacea just doesn't clear the air.
 

Such a simple event searching for bulbs on the web and seeing what can be planted and at what times, has turned into a minor project. A simple project and my desire to accomplish more have turned into a heartache. Where is the joy?

It seems that my misery goes on, but what a exciting word, to use misery. It really isn't justified at all. Who labelled it as such? Well it is the me that I don't think is me. I want to get things down and done. Burnout?

The solitary moments of my life are indeed enlightening to how quickly and how precious the moments we have on this earth are. And so many are wasted. So one day one faces death and is looking for healing and the next they are being healed and then some weird illness overtakes your body and you get used to that and at some point, the illness is found to be nothing. You dealt with keeping your thoughts positive even when they were telling you that you are dying and you kept on going. And then one rejoices at healing and at some point is suicidal after going through all that but not really it is all just a pattern of thought that your mind is telling you.

It is when we are those alone moments that the mind has a chance to dwell and review what the meaning of our existence is. And once again it is time to get back on the horse and ride, like there is no tomorrow.

Am I the master of time or is it the master of me? A general lack of busyness and no particular focus is prevalent. What memento can I leave behind to those who survive? How may I serve? And how is it that even the simplest tasks seem difficult?

As I lean back on the bed I realize, my own doneness and at this moment that it that feeling that I must find some way to embrace.

 I just want to be alone and I really don't have that space. I seem not want to be around anyone. Space the final Frontier... The writing experiment is not cool at all. Forcing yourself to do this or that is not feeling like fun.

I don't want to do this and am not feeling like any of this is having much value. Shifting from this mood of frustration to a mode of breakthrough. It is almost as if my fingers don't move in the way they should. Seems like my brain is running on empty and I have no justification no purpose for doing this. Some valid reason. My underlining reasons are not there. I am writing just for the singular reason of putting words on paper. No foundation is apparent, a crumbled house, shattered windows and a roof that has been buffeted by rain and the Why do we do the things that we do? Do we enjoy the arguments? Who am I? And what have I contributed to life? It is wonderful to realize who we are and the contribution we have made.


 

                                                                                                                       

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          MATH PAGE

                                                                                          

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